Such is life

Such is life had been my 口头禅 lately.

It had been more than 3 years since you had left us.

Over this 3 years, I had learnt to take the lead instead of just taking the back seat in life. Since we had started working and brought you over for trips, you still wanted to be the 一家之主 for decisions made even though both of us had not mentioned anything.

After your demise, I had to take the lead indirectly. Beginning it was a challenge as normally I will just sit back but  I cannot be the passenger anymore.

I learnt to be more independent and took on the role of leader of the family and also taking care of mum. It was not easy for these transitions but I am happy I braved through.

Sis is getting married soon and soon the next phase of life with only mum will commence.

Dreams

After 3 weeks after my dad's demise, I finally dreamt of him. I dreamt that he was telling us his last day at the company, a lot of his colleagues spoke to him. I dreamt that my mum chided him for talking so much. I dreamt that I was in my room playing computer games, I had a plate of luncheon meat as munchies and he came to my room and took one alice of the luncheon meat and I chided him. It was very real and also amazingly my mum cooked luncheon meat for dinner on that night and offered to him as prayers too...

一路好走

My dad had passed away last Thursday, 28th June 2012. It had been a painful war between him and cancer. He wanted to get cured of it to get on with life with us to do things together again, but fate doesn't allow him to do so. In his last 2 weeks at home, it was very painful and he is a very strong person as he did not take the morphine at all to ease the pain. My sister and I had managed to catch his last breath before he passed on. Life is really fragile. Cherish the loved ones you have around you and not take them for granted. It's been more than 1 week since his demise and believe me, it's not easy getting used to the fact the family strength now stands at 3 instead of 4. Thank you Papa for all that you had done for me in this 31 years. It had been comforting that you are a very selfless father. You had taught me the princples of life well. I had not been able to say this till you passed on but I would like to say "Papa, I love you"

一路好走,爸爸

Time Bomb

Life has been more stressful for me... I get irritated easily, at the slighest and smallest actions... SO much more that i thought of ending my life, but to think of me, that would create more problems for my family. I wished to think that if i can, if i could, i could give up my life to let my dad live. But then, this is not possible. Life really goes on. Dad's been diagnosed by Doc that he would have 6 mths left to live. The Dr didn't tell specifically how long he has left, but she did ask my dad if there are any unfufilled wishes and my dad's answer was just 顺其自然 or loosely translated as go with the flow. Asked my dad if he wanted to go for a staycation in local hotel (raffles city fairmont) in the high floors, he accepted the idea. Next is to think when would be the best time for him...

Sick and tired

Been sick since last Tuesday, second visit to doc today. It's easy to say get more rest to get well but I can only say I can only to get as much rest as possible. I have a lot of things on my late, I mean really a lot of things. In work, I am a boss to colleagues, I am subordinate to the other 3 bosses directly on top of me with targets and deadlines. In life, my dad's illness had taken a toll on my whole family. The impact had caused us much pain in mentally, physically. It was most obvious for my mum as she had lost a lot of weight ever since. Till now, I still question. "why us?" Been very very very stress and very sensitive and abrasive lately. On one hand, I wished he would passed on without much pain and suffering that he is going. On the other hand, I wished that we can see him more daily. Haiz.

Tired but still holding on

Tired is the main thing i feel lately.

Tired of work.
Tired of getting things done for the sake of getting it done.
Tired of shopping.
Tired of going to course.

Just tired.

Ordered a new washing machine.
Waited to come today.
On course yesterday as well, then to KK Hosp to visit a boy, then meeting till 11.30pm
Went for course in the early morning, before that woke up at 6am to check email.

Then finish course, go hosp to drive parents home.
Buy dinner, eat dinner, wait for washing machine.

Clean dishes, mop floor, clean plastic mats in toilet before showering.