Dreams

After 3 weeks after my dad's demise, I finally dreamt of him. I dreamt that he was telling us his last day at the company, a lot of his colleagues spoke to him. I dreamt that my mum chided him for talking so much. I dreamt that I was in my room playing computer games, I had a plate of luncheon meat as munchies and he came to my room and took one alice of the luncheon meat and I chided him. It was very real and also amazingly my mum cooked luncheon meat for dinner on that night and offered to him as prayers too...

一路好走

My dad had passed away last Thursday, 28th June 2012. It had been a painful war between him and cancer. He wanted to get cured of it to get on with life with us to do things together again, but fate doesn't allow him to do so. In his last 2 weeks at home, it was very painful and he is a very strong person as he did not take the morphine at all to ease the pain. My sister and I had managed to catch his last breath before he passed on. Life is really fragile. Cherish the loved ones you have around you and not take them for granted. It's been more than 1 week since his demise and believe me, it's not easy getting used to the fact the family strength now stands at 3 instead of 4. Thank you Papa for all that you had done for me in this 31 years. It had been comforting that you are a very selfless father. You had taught me the princples of life well. I had not been able to say this till you passed on but I would like to say "Papa, I love you"

一路好走,爸爸

Time Bomb

Life has been more stressful for me... I get irritated easily, at the slighest and smallest actions... SO much more that i thought of ending my life, but to think of me, that would create more problems for my family. I wished to think that if i can, if i could, i could give up my life to let my dad live. But then, this is not possible. Life really goes on. Dad's been diagnosed by Doc that he would have 6 mths left to live. The Dr didn't tell specifically how long he has left, but she did ask my dad if there are any unfufilled wishes and my dad's answer was just 顺其自然 or loosely translated as go with the flow. Asked my dad if he wanted to go for a staycation in local hotel (raffles city fairmont) in the high floors, he accepted the idea. Next is to think when would be the best time for him...

Sick and tired

Been sick since last Tuesday, second visit to doc today. It's easy to say get more rest to get well but I can only say I can only to get as much rest as possible. I have a lot of things on my late, I mean really a lot of things. In work, I am a boss to colleagues, I am subordinate to the other 3 bosses directly on top of me with targets and deadlines. In life, my dad's illness had taken a toll on my whole family. The impact had caused us much pain in mentally, physically. It was most obvious for my mum as she had lost a lot of weight ever since. Till now, I still question. "why us?" Been very very very stress and very sensitive and abrasive lately. On one hand, I wished he would passed on without much pain and suffering that he is going. On the other hand, I wished that we can see him more daily. Haiz.

Tired but still holding on

Tired is the main thing i feel lately.

Tired of work.
Tired of getting things done for the sake of getting it done.
Tired of shopping.
Tired of going to course.

Just tired.

Ordered a new washing machine.
Waited to come today.
On course yesterday as well, then to KK Hosp to visit a boy, then meeting till 11.30pm
Went for course in the early morning, before that woke up at 6am to check email.

Then finish course, go hosp to drive parents home.
Buy dinner, eat dinner, wait for washing machine.

Clean dishes, mop floor, clean plastic mats in toilet before showering.

Powerless

That's how life is sometimes... you will feel that in life, there would be times that you would and want to do something about certain things, you just can't help it.

Went to check on the 2nd opinion for my dad. Too late was the answer from Dr Tay. He told us that in this stage, it's more to prolong and all NUH done was correct. What we can do is to spend more time with him.

We were actually not sad this time as we had anticipated. For me, it's like paying to re-confirm that what we had done was the best that we could.

This song, this song had been lingering for so long. Life had been like 煎熬 for me and family, a lot of relatives had been showering us with a lot of "concerns" to ask about my dad, but please give us some peace. Everyday, my standard routine normally would be now work AM shift, takeaway dinner and drive to NUH to visit my dad and had dinner with them.

After that it's bading goodbye to dad and we drove home. After home, mum will do some housework and we try to help as much as we can. Persistant and consistant ringing of telephone just doesn't help !

We need some peace. 无声有时胜过有声... What we need is some quiet time...

Grateful

As i wrote, i began to think of life. Life really had it's unfairness to certain people.
My dad had slogged since i was borned till date and the "fruits" that he got was the tumor :(

Whatever it is, i had promised to him that i will take charge of the family if he passes on and life will go on, right now, every day to be able to see him alive and talking to us is something that we look forward to and grateful about.

Beginning

After seeing my friend's postings, i decided to start blogging again.
Life had been like a roller coaster ride to me.
Since young, i would always say that my family is not well to do, with a lot of "wants" in life when i was young but mostly unfufilled as my dad was the only sole breadwinner.

Whenever my cousins who came over to visit my grandma (who stayed with us last time), they would bring so many food and stuff, ranging from slurpee, softee from 7 eleven, burgers from burger king, mac and all those handheld nitendo games.

I used to feel the inferiority and unfairness of life, how come they have these and that and i don't. I always felt that it's unfair, but i never understand that he was always trying the best he can for us.

As i grow older, me and my sis completed polytechnic studies and eventually university.
Eventually we headed to the working society, in our 1st 4 years of working life, we got our parents to overseas trip from HK to TW to Batam to even KL. They finally got the chance to enjoy the fruits of their hard labour and then the news struck on Oct 10th 2011.

He was diagnosed with pancreatic tumor at the head. This came as a shock as he had complained of gastric before but he just popped pills and that was fine. This time, doctor found jaundice on his body and in the eyes and that was the reason he was admitted to hospital for a check.

We were saddened by this news, the routine of admitting to A&E due to fever starts. Till now, we had admitted him to A&E 7 times and he spent most of the time in hospital.
Things took a turn for the worst when he completed one round of chemotheraphy and radiography as he went in during fever and he was checked to have the cells spread to liver and diagnosed as stage 4 now. Doctor had given us the expected period he would be around.

As i am writing this, he was admitted to hospital with zoster, a viral infection similar to chicken pox. Happens when he/she had low immune system.

Whats next is still unknown, but i will definitely need to be strong, to hold the fort. I will try to go for a second opinion to see if there are ways to prolong his life. I will try to be stronger than my sis and mum.